Saturday, August 11, 2007


I received a REALLY interesting question the other day, and I hope the reader doesn't mind my answering it on this post so that others can see my response.

The commenter ALSO noted that I didn't have a "contact the wedding fairy" link -- good catch! I actually used to have that link up on my site, and I seriously don't know what happened to it. I will have TallGuy look into this for me (my tech expert), and fix that immediately.

Here's the question, which I've shortened a little bit for purposes of this post:

"So, my future sister-in-law has asked both my sister and I to be bridesmaids... My fiance is also a groomsman....

She sent out an e-mail recently, suggesting that she would like to have a choreographed wedding dance with the wedding party, using some song "Thriller" by Michael Jackson". While this idea has been the starting point for some hysterical conversations with friends and family, I cannot really see myself participating in something so ridiculous. I think it will make the wedding memorable, but perhaps not in the way the bride intends. The bride claims that she will "make the groomsmen participate," but the only way my fiancee will do it is if she holds a gun on him.

I called my brother (the groom) to find out his take on this wacky idea, and he said "I just want to make people happy" which translates to English as "I do not want to have that fight with my future wife". So we are on our own to either humiliate ourselves, or to speak out.

How does one tactfully tell one's future sister-in-law that this is a terrible idea, and we...are soooo not up for it? We don't want to hurt her feelings, but we are really not excited about humiliating ourselves at their wedding."

WOW. Let me first just say that I think this is the most interesting question/quandry I have seen since I've started this blog.

For some reason, choreographed dances are apparently becoming a big thing, and kind of a trend at weddings. I'm not talking about the "first dance" simple choreography a bride/groom learns in a few weeks of dance lessons, so they look somewhat graceful while dancing to "At Last" or [Insert song of choice here].

I'm talking about hard-core choreography, where brides, grooms, and other members of the wedding party do what I'll call "numbers" or "performances" -- to songs like "Thriller" or the like.

I don't know where this started, or who thought this was a good idea, but I'm pretty opposed to this idea.

When I think of a wedding, the one goal I think brides try to achieve is a sense of elegance. Doing this type of performance makes a wedding into less of a celebration and more into a spectacle.

In terms of how to tactfully decline participation, I think honesty is the best approach -- and really should come from the groom (ie the brother of the commenter, in this case). Tell your brother that you are VERY uncomfortable/opposed to the idea, as is your sister and the other bridesmaids. Let him know that this type of activity ISN'T going to make people happy. I really do think having the fiance speak with the bride-to-be directly is the best approach. Out of everyone, she'll probably listen to him -- if it comes from bridesmaids, it may be taken more as catty, since girls can be sensitive when other girls say anything that isn't in keeping with their vision.

If this first approach fails (and your brother is not willing to speak with the bride), then I would suggest having one of the bridesmaids -- who is closest to the bride -- explain that several people are not comfortable with the idea and are rather shy, not wanting to be in the spotlight, etc.

MAKE THE RELUCTANCE ABOUT HOW THIS TYPE OF SCENARIO DOES NOT MESH WITH THE PERSONALITIES OF THE PARTICIPANTS (even if that's not 100% truthful) RATHER than because the idea is "stupid" or "embarassing".

If the bride feels as if she's being attacked, she's likely to get defensive but not change her mind.

If that fails, then be prepared to get involved - even if it means putting a forced smile on your face. Just make sure to stand in the back of the group and grin and bear it as best as you can.

Good luck, and keep me posted!!!!

Stay tuned!


Nicole Kraft said...

Hi there. She may have gotten the Thriller idea from this you tube video:
It's actually pretty funny!

Miss Artichoke said...

My FI wants to do something crazy like that too. I made it clear that he and the groomsmen are welcome to but my bridesmaids are not into that. I wouldn't mind it, but they would be comfortable. FI agreed and said he would find something tasteful. He wanted to do the dance from Kung Fu Hustle. But now that he told me, he won't use it.
The bride and groom are trying to make their day special and unique. I would voice my concern but try to help them have a wonderful day!

Molly said...

"Doing this type of performance makes a wedding into less of a celebration and more into a spectacle."

I have to disagree. While I'm not suggesting it's appropriate for every wedding, it may represent the personalities of the bride, groom and their wedding party. The dances I've seen (mostly on YouTube)are funny and the guests seem to be enjoying it.

I don't think anyone in the wedding party should be FORCED to participate, but I don't see how a group of people celebrating by having fun is a spectacle.

Interesting blog. I'll definitely be reading more.